Unity Consciousness & Bioneuroemoción®
We will then see some benefits or the link we make by holding grudge or rage against someone:
• The guilt or resentment of not taking responsibility for what is happening in our lives. Whenever there is someone to blame, we can avoid taking responsibility for our unhappiness, unease or dissatisfaction. Releasing guilt means taking responsibility for our lives, which can be very difficult on certain occasions.
In this sense, Oscar Levant: “I envy people who drink, at least they have what to blame on.” By applying this comical irony to our lives, it is easy to see how, on many occasions, forgiveness involves letting us see the cause of our unhappiness on the outside, and that is not always pleasant.
• Sometimes the only thing that binds us to someone we do not want to let go is grudge. The relationship of anger and resentment is, ultimately, a type of relationship. For many people, it is better to maintain a dysfunctional relationship than forgetfulness and loneliness. How many couples without supporting each other, do not want to be one without the other?
The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. When there is no adequate emotional management, a way to express the desire for closeness, to maintain the relationship at any cost, can be anger and grudge. Forgiveness involves letting go and not everyone is ready to do it.
• As long as we keep the offense, we remain in the role of victim. This role offers many benefits, such as acceptance, understanding and even social support. To stop feeling victimized does not mean that one stops feeling the damage caused by the “unforgivable” situation, but to stop identifying oneself with this role can help us to begin to decide on our life. The victim has no choice, she is a passive subject to the emotional inclemencies that she has unfortunately had to live through. As a result, we can recognize the benefits of the victim role, and we will continue to play that role until we are ready to give up the secondary benefits that come with it.
• By maintaining the hostile energy of grudge, we gain power and dominion over others. This is one of the most common causes for continuing to react since the grudge and guilt: the defense. For many do not forgive is a way to be true to yourself, to show your dignity and pride. Even the rigidity of the offended for many others presupposes security, strength and determination, even if this behavior actually hides powerlessness, fear, insecurity and lack of self-esteem …
Those who have no certainty or security in their position and truth need this energy to be assertive, to get others to do what they want. It is a form of manipulation towards people in the environment and reflects a huge lack of resources to communicate empathy and assertiveness. It’s easy to control others when they feel guilty or indebted to us. However, this generates relationships based on fear and sacrifice, relationships that are doomed to failure.
• Sometimes, it may be associated to forgive with the lost of a part of the reason that was withheld when the “anger” was “created.” Therefore, continuing to play the role of victim may also aim to fear the loss of our reason, sacrificing personal well-being and peace for that purpose.
• Anger and grudge can also be used to hide deeper feelings and emotions that we may not be ready to express. As we saw earlier, there are primary and secondary emotions. Retaining resentment can be an excuse for not expressing what we really feel. It is a comfort zone in which one feels “safe” and “protected”. Maybe this option assumes more benefits than opening emotionally and showing injuries. It can be used as a kind of armor that, while preventing us from moving and breathing normally, protects us from the hostility and dangers of the environment. Therefore, in this case, it contains a great fear.
• Finally, and in relation to the previous point, when we maintain anger or resentment, we avoid having a conversation that may suppose a greater emotional challenge than maintaining the distance position. Many people grew up in an environment where rabies was the only resource available to protect themselves from what they considered potentially dangerous.