Unity Consciousness & Bioneuroemoción®
In his book «Nonviolent Communication», the American author Marshall B. Rosenberg proposes the following forms of communication to manage this emotional expression:
• The least ecological way is punishment. Punishing is supposing an intention in the other person -or in ourselves- and acting “harmfully” accordingly.
For example, a friend has not called me for a long time; I infer that he is “ignoring me” and I decide to ignore him also in retaliation. Another example would be if a co-worker I ask
help denies me. So, the next time the situation arises that maybe he or she needs help I will deny it. This level is the one that implies less development of conscience. However, it is one of the most common ways of proceeding.
• The complaint is at the next level. The complaint evolves respect to the punishment in which it includes the expression of the conflict, but without taking responsibility for it, that is, accusing the other or recriminating what is happening.
Continuing with the previous example, it would be to call that friend who does not call you to say “you are a bad friend, you never call me” or to the co-worker “you are a
selfish, you never help when asked.”
This level of expression creates a need for defense in the other person, instead of getting empathy and understanding. As usual, we will continue to feed the problem or create a sense of guilt. In both cases we would not be achieving our goal, which is that the other person knows our needs in an authentic and natural way. By focusing on the “who” rather than the “what”, we are evading responsibility for the conflict rather than managing it responsibly.
• Finally, there is the level of emotional expression deeper and connected to oneself: the request.
At this level we do not talk about the other but about our feelings and needs regarding the situation we live. Recognizing our unmet need, we allow the other person to know our situation without having to make a value judgment or claim a higher moral position respect to the other.
We already know that emotion shows our need and has its cause always within each one of us. Knowing how to locate and express it without demanding changes in others is the most ecological and coherent way to communicate emotionally with our environment.
Following the example, we could say:
“I feel sad not receiving any call from you because I would like to know more about you and I like to talk to you” or “when I ask for your help and you deny it, I feel uncomfortable and impotent because I would like us to be able to collaborate in a fluid way”.
In both cases, we speak from ourselves, we do not hold the other responsible of our state. This does not mean that we do not make decisions or that we endure certain behaviors; it is simply a way of expressing ourselves emotionally that will allow us to connect in a deeper way with other people and, consequently, with our real needs.
Make drastic decisions or warn of possible consequences are two aspects perfectly compatible with this level.
These decisions will never be made to harm the other person but to achieve our coherence. Learning is opening the mind to consider the option that we do things to get something from someone and when this someone does not do, we get angry for that. Furthermore, by acting in this way, we fall into victimism thinking that the world should behave differently.
Learning is to detect that what bothers us about others turns out to be a conflict between our own beliefs.
Learning implies accepting the possibility that what happens to us is necessary for us to know ourselves. The other person always reflects information that without it we could not see. When this is understood, we no longer want to eliminate the situation. The solution does not pass by suppressing the problem, but by accepting the information that carries implicit and that resonates with information stored in our unconscious.
Life can manifest itself in many ways and all of them have to do with us. To the extent that we begin to question our beliefs and values, we will be expanding our consciousness. In that process, we will understand that the other person who bothers us so much is facing it simply because it resonates with us.